Falling Stars~* caught in my Eyelashes...

She came to me, her voice trembling with the velocity of a plucked cello string.

"My heart is sooo broken." she said.

It was mid-June. We were beneath the street light. As a child I was always fascinated with how each street light, reaching high into the trees, cast its light on the same leaves, every night, all night -- each year--for decades. Like those leaves, a select few, were members of an exclusive society. protected, or exposed --by the light. I wanted to be one of those leaves. i wanted to leave. i wanted to be in the light amongst the dark.

"Joey, did you hear me? My heart...it is SOOO broken."

I did, in fact, hear her. I heard her truth, quite clearly. A truth not very disimilar to the truths I had become accostomed to. I had instinctively, innocently, retreated into the blissful blanket of my youth. To escape her plea. It was my achilles heel. achilles heal. achille heel.

"JOEY!!! You always have so much to say...you always make me feel better!?! I need you, Joey, i need you now." She trailed off into a whisper.

Or was it just the night breeze? Strange things are carried on the breeze in the summer night. Sirens from afar, lovers' whispers, silent prayers, the hum and murmur of the summer insects, the fragile, indestructable sounds of teenagers creating themselves...I always had the ability to say the right things to help others cope with their tribulations. I could soothe their souls. None of them really knew. I could trace the roads on a map of the human heart, but I could not even help myself. To her I was an omniscient being. I always appeared to have complete control over human emotions. I could see behind the smoke and mirrors that obscured the path to happiness. But, not tonight. She found the crack in my boat. She stumbled upon my "undiscovered country."

"Joey, you know how I feel. Tell me the world is still beautiful, tell me that the sun, the moon, the stars, and the rain, will always be there to provide me ---uh, and you, with solace. TELL ME? What is wrong? You always said that love finds a way...you said love is more powerful, DIDN't YOU? Cmon...say something...bring me back...wrap your wings around me...."

Depraved Heart Murder. Under the commonlaw it is defined as a murder commited with “an abandoned and malignant heart”, “a wicked disposition”, “hardness of heart”, “an extreme and reckless disregard for human decency and human regard." It requires a mens rea without intent. It is an unintential murder, involuntary. It happens when a person acts with complete recklessness and indifference to another person. Figuratively, people commit depraved heart murders all the time. When they murder another person's hopes, dreams, lives, happiness, plans, expectations, rainbows, desires. Perhaps it is unintentional, but commited with an "abandoned and malignant heart." I had been the victim of depraved heart murder. Many others have felt the sting of a cracked and broken heart. I had nothing to offer her. As I lay dying, painting my futile escape in the blood still leaking from my eyes and from my chest through an invisible wound. A wound barely held together by a butterfly stitch. by a butterfly kiss.

"it's getting cold. My coffee is cold. My stomach hurts all the time -- every day. I have not slept in weeks. I have nightmares...nightmares of wonderful memories shattered. Joey, save me, help me...please."

I do believe in death, because I too, have loved. Falling stars were caught in my eyelashes. All i could see was the light. I stared into this girl's little hurt girl eyes. My lips parted...but like a child, caught in the wrath of pavor nocturnus, I could only manage a strained internal breath. I was not ready yet. I was still bleeding. bleeding stars, through healing scars...

"I...just...can't. I just feel so powerless..I..." she began to cry. just a little bit.

I experienced a crescendo of feeling. Like being overcome by the tide. I wanted to tell her that everything is eventual. pain is eventual, sadness is eventual, love & lust are eventual. everything is eventual. The air was mangled, her hair was mangled. I wanted to hold her like a baby. with baby's breath. I wanted to wrap her in the warm night sky. I wanted to recite every Shakespearean sonnet to rescue all the love in the world. I wanted to give her a little piece of myself. A piece of my broken heart.

"My mother told me to move on. She said that time heals everything, that I have so much promise...she does not understand how I feel." she stuttered.

Move on? We do not move on. cliches never healed anyone. We move WITH. If only we could sever the ribbon that connects our hearts to our minds. Impossible. We have to find our own way through the unhearts....through the persistence of memories that swirl and whir always, around us. That spin with gentle intermingling like smoke rising in the night sky. Will they not fade away? not fade away...away....

"Why aren't you saying anything? You always have so much hope. Tonight you are silent just staring. Hand me your flannel coat. Im cold. Where have your been?"

_______

"all by all and deep by deep

and more by more they dream their sleep

noone and anyone earth by april

wish by spirit and if by yes.

Women and men.

summer autumn winter spring

reaped their sowing and went their came

sun moon stars rain."

_______

"Joey, your hair looks nice like that. You look nice in the night. I am not used to you being so quiet. You deserve the world, you deserve a love that would outshine the sun. I am so sorry if all of this has caused you to re-experience any pain. I just thought you would have something to say...something beautiful, something pretty."

For all of the meek living victims of depraved heart murder, I remain steadfast in my commitment to raise my proud flag. that flag, our flag, which is a million miles long and a million miles wide bearing a giant heart~* sewn with the whispered dreams of our pure intentions. with our good graces...with our gentle glances...with our timid breathing...I will make others fall before me with the intensity of my eyes, with the intensity of my ability to love...lovelovelovelovelovelovelovelovelovelovemeloveloveloveyoulovelovelovelovelovelovelovelove...She will overcome.

"I will be ok...right? nothing is as bad as it seems at the time. i know it...my heart just feels so heavy...my limbs feel like they weigh a thousand pounds...i feel like i can't even walk.

JOEY, my heart is soooo broken...

...it's sooo broken...my heart is so broken...please say something, just say anything..." she barely breathed the last words out.

At that moment, I felt stronger than i have ever had. all of my past identities hung before me, carried on the wings of the summer night's fireflies...blinking and shining blinking and shining...My heart was filling up with liquid love. So many beautiful girls...shaped like perfect violins. I felt the hysterical shocks of electricity pulse through my nerves and cells. I was again a child with all the wonder of a world unknown, I was a teenager inspired by the sheer excitement of forever and always, I was a harvester of poetry, I was a young lover, I was a broken hearted romantic endlessly reciting little black lovesick valentines. I was all of the stars~* reflected in the sea hundreds of miles from land, I was a little girl's summer sneeze, a small boy's skinned summer knees, I was the secret summer kiss behind the evening barn, I was the innocent holding hands when no one was looking, I was the red balloon passed from hand to hand, I was the streaming tear dividing that perfect face, I was her perfect hair blowing in that perfect breeze, I was that elder lover clutching at the escaping sand, I was that fierce sun burning the yearning summer ground, I was that quiet moon whispering those softly spoken lullabies, I was those pretend flowers that never died, I was those untrue confessions that never lied, I was that august night that never ended, I was that beautiful memory that has long since faded, I was that unsure cynic on the brink of death, I was that accomplished aesthetic who had truly lived, I was that heroic soothsayer who truly died, I was that sensitive man who always cried, I was the chasing love behind that departing train, I was the screaming one standing in the summer rain....

I suddenly had the answer, I found the words to say what a broken heart cannot say. Trembling with hope and passion and love, I looked up at her. Her eyes open, inviting, waiting with baited breath....

I breathed in deeply and released the billion stars that were waiting behind my eyes and mouth...

"Joey?!?" she exclaimed with the joy and hope of forever of always...

My lips parted....I placed my hand in the small of her back, and brushed the hair from her eyes....

"Let's go inside, I will make you some tea, and we can sit along the fire and talk about tomorrow." I spoke with serenity.

She looked up at me with much contentment and a growing smile and said, "Yeah, that sounds really nice."

________

"a wind has blown the rain away and blown

the sky away and all the leaves away,

and the trees stand. I think i too have known autumn too long

...the trees stand:

The trees, suddenly wait against the moon's face."

[fade out 9:52 pm]